You Do Not Have Permission to Beat my Kids

Holy crap! Check this article:

http://www.wate.com/Global/story.asp?s=7448948

Let me quote the punchline:

"Headlee says the school system only allows paddling for male students with permission from their guardians. Under state law, disciplinary actions like paddling must be done with another staff member in the room. Paddling must also be used humanely and in an objective manner. Tennessee is among 21 states where it's legal to use corporal punishment in the classroom. However, it's a district by district decision whether to implement it."

I don't even know where to begin. Perhaps with #1:

#1 - Personal bias, sure to piss of many defensive parents both at my judginess and naivete (my kid is only 5 weeks), it doesn't make sense to hit kids. As a society, we've legally adopted the stance that you can't assault people (or animals). We in turn teach our kids not to hit. And yet we hit them. Hruh? If kids learn by example, then hitting them teaches that...um... hitting is O.K. Except it's not O.K.

#2 - Related to #1, negative reinforcement is proven to be waaaaay less effective a learning mechanism than positive reinforcement. Remember Pavlov's dogs? Keeping with dogs for a moment, when you want to train them to sit, what do you do? Do you reward them with a treat when they sit correctly? Or do you beat them until they sit? If we've got it figured out with dogs, why would you treat a child worse?

#3 - Even if you do endorse legally smacking your kids around, do it yourself. The schools are here to teach your children, not do your 'parenting' for you.

#4 - As long as we're beating kids, why only boys? Hell, if it's good enough for boys, why not beat the naughty girls as well? Just get a female 'teacher' to do it. Who would have expected sexism in this quarter - selective beatings. Outrageous!

All right... before I go off the deep end and piss off everyone I know (pretty much all of whom spank their kids) and really express what I think of that kind of parenting, let me finish off this post with the list of states that do and do not allow parental-approved corporal punishment at school. I've taken the liberty of highlighting some shockers.

Legal: Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, New Mexico, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Wyoming

Illegal: Alaska, California, Delaware, Hawaii, Illinois, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Oregon, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin

Just when I was getting over some bias.... :)

Comforting Commonality

The idea for this post started with a lie. I basically ran across two awesome videos I wanted to share, and developed a weak justification for why they were relevant to the Knoxville Yankee experience. But the more I thought about it, the stronger my lame theme became. Here it is: For all the things that are different here in Knoxville, sometimes finding common ground isn't as hard as you'd think.

The first thought has to do with sense of humor. I've long complained about the lack of sarcasm and irony around here, and while that remains true, video #1 has convinced me there is more to good humor than sarcasm. But before I share it, let me offer two disclaimers:

Disclaimer #1: People reading this through email will probably need to click the link I've provided, or come visit KnoxvilleYankee.com directly to see it.

Disclaimer #2: While this is visually appropriate for work and small children, there is a part in the audio that is not.

Link: Brawndo The Thirst Mutilator

Video (if you can see it):



Now while I found this absolutely hilarious, my typical KnoxvilleYankee.com reader (Down to earth blue collar folk in their 40's) might not. But that's not really the point. The point is that I found a whole bunch of Knoxville-natives who did. It created a sensation at work, and greatly improved my respect for the sense of humor of many people whom I would not have expected to enjoy this. Sharing a good laugh with so many people was very socially therapeutic.

So that's common funny. Then there's also common emotion. Many of you may have seen this already, but I just ran across it on Friday:

Link: Paul Pott Britain's Got Talent

Video:



Now let me just say, I am not an opera fan. Not in the slightest. But for some reason, this video touched me very deeply, bringing me almost to the point of tears the first few times I watched it. Maybe it's the humbleness of the man. Maybe it's his insane talent or the deep emotion of his song. Maybe it's how strongly he affected the other people in the room (bringing many of them to tears). But whatever the reason, it got me. Back to the topic - it got to a lot of other people I know around here too. Just today I showed it to my 'best friend' down here in Knoxville (who will undoubtedly be a life-long friend) who had a similar reaction to me.

Ironically, none of my good friends from NY wrote back when I emailed it to them.

Pup Solidarity

At last! Brace yourself for a pure pro-Knoxville post with no 'catches', no backhanded jabs, no cynical grumblings.

Last night we thought we lost our dog. With my in-laws in town and a litter of puppies that keep getting visitors, there's been a lot of traffic in and out of our house. In the midst of the hustle and bustle yesterday, our front door got left open for a period of time. When we realized the door was open, we quickly did a dog check, and found ourselves one short.

It was Audio, our boy pug, the father of the pups - and without question the most idiotic and clueless of our animals. If there was ever one of our dogs who would obliviously wander out into traffic - it's Audio.

Anyway, he's missing. My wife starts to lose it - tears, fears, the whole thing. What if he gets stolen? What if he gets hurt? Did I mention we had just taken his collar off the week before because he had outgrown it?

Cue the dog hunt. My father in law, my aunt, and I all head out in our cars, continually canvassing our neighborhood and the surrounding ones. Back and forth we drove, slowly creeping along, looking and listening (and looking pretty creepy might I add). But the feelgood Knoxville part of this isn't about us. It's about our neighbors and the people we encountered.

As we drove around, we ran into lots of people. Out in their yards, out walking their dogs, just out and about. As I've come to expect, most of them waved and I sadly waved back. A few of them, especially ones that saw us pass multiple times came up to the window to offer help, advice, and support. It wasn't just one person, it was several.

In addition to that, there was help from our immediate neighbors. A woman up the street who we had never met before, set out walking all around looking for our lost pup. She was out there for at least an hour. The little kids from the neighborhood conducted their own hunt and went from yard to yard, door to door. Their leader (our next door neighbor Ashlyn, age 9) even started crying because she was so upset. It was a sad and stressful time, but it was heartwarming to see the support we got.

As it turned out, Mr. Audio was hiding under our bed the entire time. Around the same time the door was opened, another door slammed, and like all loud noises, it terrified him and he went and hid in his safe place. The more we yelled for him, the more scared he got. It was only when my wife calmed down and laid down in the bedroom that he crept out, afraid that he was in trouble.

Like I said... he's an idiot. :)

Later that night, we brought him over to our ultra Southern but also ultra nice neighbors to let them know all was well. We ended up hanging out for a half hour and talking about all sorts of things. When we left, they lent us a ladder we needed for a home improvement. We had neighbors like that in NY, but not many.

Add compassionate neighbors in the plus column for Knoxville.

Southern RSVP

At this point in my Knoxville experience, I'd like to think I've uncovered most of the cultural differences I'm going to discover. I'd also like to think I'm going to retire by age 35, which is probably equally unrealistic.

Check this...

A good friend of mine (who also happens to be my boss and the guy who tricked me into moving here...er I mean...recruited me to Knoxville) just had a birthday party for his 5 year old daughter. Then rented out some gymnasium / obstacle course / activity center type place, sent out RSVP's, handled the decorations and food, etc. It was all set up.

On the day of the event, two things happened that all of us found (in the slang of my generation), totally wack. First, a bunch of people showed up who were invited, but didn't RSVP. O.K...that's not totally out of bounds - they were invited - but when you throw a party you budget and plan towards the amount of anticipated guests. But whatever. Life happens.

But here's the real WTF - several families, and I mean like 4 or 5, didn't just bring the kid who was invited to the party - they brought their siblings, sometimes much older siblings. They came. They ate. The played. They took a gift bag at the end.

What??!

Maybe I'm just being cranky and uptight, but I think that's incredibly rude, and coming from a New Yorker, that's saying a lot. The invitation didn't say "to Billy and his brothers and sisters". It was just for Billy, the 5 year old in the birthday girl's nursery school class.

I talked to an older friend at work who raised her son here, and was shocked to find out that this "bring the whole family" thing is actually somewhat common, and something she ran into 15 years ago when her son was young and having birthday parties. "Is this a southern thing?" I asked. She felt it was. "Why?" I asked. "Is it for a free lunch or something?" She felt it was. "How do you deal with something like that?" She said you needed to put on the invitation "Please drop your child off at X and pick them up at Y". If the parents aren't invited to stay, it makes it harder for additional children to crash the party.

For better or worse, it was good advice which I appreciated, because before too long we're going to be throwing birthday parties for our son. I appreciated it, because without a good premeptive strategy to avoid the issue, my wife and I would have dealt with it .... poorly. I can just picture the bad scene now:

(Parent arrives with multiple children)

Us: "Oh... I didn't know there was another birthday party going on here?"
Parent: "There isn't"
Us: "Well that's weird, because I don't recall us inviting your other children."

At that point, only bad things could happen, most probably the parent scooping up all their kids and leaving. To clarify however, the only bad part would be that our kid would lose a friend, certainly for that event, and possibly forever - and that wouldn't be fair. Then again, it might be fair to say that I don't want our kid hanging out with the children of the rude and classless, but I'm not *that* judgemental (yet).

Which really gets me thinking. First, there's the general subject of self-censorship in the interests of our child. My wife and I are generally very plain spoken (or again in my generational lingo: we don't front - we keep it real). If you're full of crap, we're going to call you on it. If you're lying to us, we're going to out the lie. Somewhat immaturely, we will take pleasure in seeing you squirm.

But that's a pretty selfish mentality, and one we're going to have to adjust so we don't infringe on the happiness and best interests of our new child. I guess that's a reality we were going to have to face regardless of where we live.

But if we encounter too many other shennanigans like this party thing, I now realize it's going to be more of a challenge than it would be otherwise. We'll see. Perhaps if we raise our kid right, they'll be the one asking the rude people the obvious questions.

Wanted: Strong Opinions

Let me preface this first by saying it's been a good Knoxville month. As I long suspected (and many have told me), having a child has made me feel better about being here. Actually no - scratch that - having a kid has made me care less about the things I don't like, and slightly more about the things I do. The fact that there are limited good restaurants is now less important than changing poopy diapers and getting a good nights sleep. Getting home at a reasonable hour is slightly better a) because it's good to see the mini-me, and b) because it allows me to focus on the real joys of my life - changing diapers and sleeping.

Actually to be honest, I consider sleeping as much a waste of time as ever (high grade adult ADD represent), I just need more of it. The 'sleep' thing was only necessary for my opening paragraph's punch line. Doh! Did I say that out loud? Sleep deprivation is murder on my inner monologue.

Anyway....

There was a point to all of that - which is by and large I'm feeling good about Knoxville these days. I feel I need to say that to justify the following series of rants, although ironically, in the end, one of the points of this post is how self-righteously unapologetic I am about my Knoxville opinions.

But before we get to that, let me ponder a bit on me. I have strong opinions, and more to the point, I voice them. Sometimes they're black and white. Sometimes their hypocritical. Sometimes arrogant, naive, even ignorant. But by and large - I'm pretty O.K with that. I've had to tone it down over the years to a level that doesn't impact my career or the relationships I value, but I've found a level of being opinionated that works for me.

That said, there is a lot that goes into those opinions. Although I'm possibly off-base here, I *feel* like I'm fairly logical, balanced, and informed. I don't just say things to vent frustration or hear myself talk - there's usually a point to it. True, sometimes it's selfish, but sometimes it's not.

Take my bitching and moaning about what I perceive to be the lack of sophistication in Knoxville, everything from dining to the language skills of the populace to diversity to driving etiquette. Why do I complain about these things? Why does their absence irk me? Because in general I believe the more evolved we are as a society in these areas (independently and in concert) the better off we all are - both you and me and the gomer I'm always complaining about. I could go into great depth (and wildly off subject) explaining my thoughts on this - but let me sum it up into one outrageously simplified thought. Consider America and all the great ideas, inventions, and actions it's produced. Those achievements would not have been possible if we all ate the same food. They would not have been possible if we were only able to express ourselves with 5th grade language skills. They would not have been possible if we all looked and thought that same. They would not have been possible if we didn't survive the drive around the block.

My point is not the merits of sophistication. The point is that there's a lot that goes into the strong opinions I express, and I express them. I could talk for hours and days and weeks about all the nuances and ins and outs of the subject. But I put it out there. I start the conversation. I look for others to engage. Sometimes it offends. Sometimes it amuses. Sometimes it inspires. But it's out there - it's active, it's in play. And it's something I practice in the real world. I have a two part bumper sticker that says "If you don't use your turn signals, you're a rude and selfish idiot". I don't support the boy scouts outside of Kroger because they propagate anti-gay sentiment. Despite being a video game fanatic, I refuse to buy an X-box because I think Microsoft is evil. Danger is my son's middle name, literally. And do I care what most people think of these things? Not really. Am I proud of that? A little...but not too much. It's not a badge of honor. It's being honest with who I am minus the BS.

But this isn't really about me and my strong opinions. It's about my neighbors.

And so finally - the central complaint of the moment: There is an alarming lack of people I've found in Knoxville who express strong opinions. They might have them, but they're tucked away. They're hidden behind a pleasant smile and a desire to not offend. I'm not talking about big societal issues like politics or religion - those are too safe. I'm talking about strong opinions in daily life. I don't ever see anyone get outraged. I don't see anyone stand behind an opinion to the point of personal risk. I don't see people being who they want to be or doing what they want to do, regardless of what people think.

What I do see is conformity. I see self-censorship. I see a malignant desire to not offend, to avoid confrontation, to go along with the program. That's not to say there isn't discontent - it's just cowardly, half-assed, or ineffective. It's saying something behind someones back instead of to their face. It's muttering opinions in private or under your breath. It's about speaking out only when you have sufficient numbers. It's leaving snarky comments on my web site instead of offering your own opinions.

Aha! And thus my inner monologue has revealed itself again and exposed the personal issue that set me off on this rant - people leaving annoying comments on my blog or sending them to me in emails. It almost always goes like this:

"It's not like they don't have (fill in the blank) up north".

Here's my usual response to those statements:

1) I never said they didn't
2) They may have it there - but they also have it here, usually in greater abundance
3) Some form of "I don't care - if you don't like it, don't come to my web site"

Now the good news is that for the most part, these types of conversations are just annoyances, because guess what - KnoxvilleYankee is not a democracy. I'm not holding any opinion polls. By and large, we're not having a conversation. This is a monologue. It's a selfish exercise of listening to myself talk. You can leave your comments - I'll leave one right back. If it annoys me enough, I'll erase your comment. I'll ignore your email. This is my house and the walls are painted in my strong opinions.

But at least I have them, in real life and on the Internet. There's depth behind it. There's passion. There's engagement. And if I disagree with you, I'm going to have a conversation about it, not anonymously whine about how your opinion is....

... well you fill in the blank. Knoxville needs it.

Final note: Leaving a comment on this post (which I've disabled to help prove the point) about how you agree or disagree does not qualify as having a strong opinion. Having that same conversation with your neighbor, your coworker, or someone who potentially might disagree does.